Kids First Co-Parenting with Dr. Royster

Is Parallel Parenting Right for You? Navigating Post-Divorce Relationships With Difficult Exes

• Dr. Karalynn Royster • Season 1 • Episode 3

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Summary

Parallel parenting provides a structured approach for co-parenting with high-conflict exes by creating strong boundaries and limiting communication. This episode explores different co-parenting styles and helps you determine if parallel parenting might be the right approach for your situation.

Key Takeaways:
• Different co-parenting styles exist on a spectrum from nesting to collaborative co-parenting to parallel parenting
• Parallel parenting involves parenting on separate "train tracks" that never cross, with minimal communication
• Most co-parents start with collaborative intentions but may shift to parallel parenting when difficulties arise
• Parallel parenting works best with manipulative, toxic, or boundary-challenging ex-partners
• Strong boundaries are essential when dealing with difficult people, especially when children are involved
• Your house, your rules; their house, their rules—each parent maintains control during their parenting time
• The parenting plan becomes your guide for all interactions and decisions
• Parallel parenting can be temporary as you heal, or a long-term solution for high-conflict situations

If you found this episode helpful, please leave a review and share it with another co-parenting mom. Check out our free guide on different co-parenting styles and our masterclass "How to Handle a Difficult Ex."


Kids First CoParenting System: If you are co-parenting with a narcissist, dealing with a manipulative ex, or feeling overwhelmed by high-conflict dynamics, you are not alone. These resources are designed to help you protect your child’s emotional health and take back control of your co-parenting experience.

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Dr. Karalynn Royster:

Welcome to the Kids First Co-Parenting Podcast the podcast for smart, intentional, millennial moms raising resilient kids after separation and divorce. I'm Dr Karalynnn Royster, a child psychologist coach and a mom. After thousands of therapy hours with kids caught in the middle of high conflict households, I'm here to help moms like you do it differently From peaceful co-parenting to total chaos. I've got you here. We talk boundaries, regulation and how to raise a great kid, even if your ex is beyond difficult. We blend science with real life and, as always, keep the focus where it matters. I'm raising great kids. This is Kids First Co-Parenting. Welcome In this episode of the Kids First Co-Parenting podcast. We are talking about parallel parenting. For some of you, this is going to be almost what feels like a review, and you may decide that you kind of got this and you want to skip ahead to some of the other episodes. That is fine. For a lot of moms that are just entering into, like this, co-parenting post-divorce world, this is a newer concept, and so it is important that we have a little bit of an episode talking about it, because it's an important topic.

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

It is July here when I'm recording this episode In Colorado. Here we go back to school in early August, which is bananas to me, because where I grew up in the Midwest there was a pretty heavy tourism industry and maybe I'm wrong about this, but I don't think you could even I think it was like illegal or something to start school before Labor Day. So every year, I mean truthfully, by the time I get to July, I'm like, please someone take these kids back to school, and it is so strange to me that they start in just a couple of weeks. So there's a lot of cool stuff happening in our Kids First world. We're doing a back to school Q&A for our email list subscribers, so some free stuff like that where people can ask me questions, and our upcoming masterclasses. Of course, we do a different topic every month. So, as always on the podcast, if you have specific questions, you can feel free to write to me and I will do an episode on them. I always love to answer questions from our community. That's where I get a lot of ideas from, and if you're not in our community, please find a way to join us. There are many options, including our private Facebook group. I'm pretty active on Instagram. That's a great place to follow me, the best way to hear about all our upcoming classes and programs and all the cool stuff that we can support you with is by being on our email list, so hop on that. That's where you hear the latest and the greatest, including when new episodes of the podcast drop, as always. Thank you for following and subscribing. We appreciate you, we appreciate your reviews and if you're in the craziness of getting back to school, I feel ya, I feel ya.

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

Let's dive in to parallel parenting. So what you're going to learn today is what it is, why parallel parenting is sometimes the best route and why collaborative co-parenting is so popular. And then we're going to talk about some of the scenarios where it might be the best fit for you and your co-parent. Like, you pick a co-parenting style and you get it tattooed on you, or you sign a divorce decree and you're like this is the style we're going to do and it's never going to change. It's written in stone. We will do this forever, until our children are 19. It doesn't work that way and in fact, a lot of people will talk about the changing style that they use as they co-parent over time.

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

A couple of weeks ago, I was on a podcast with Intentional Divorce Insights. They're lovely certified financial divorce planners. If you need that resource, look them up. And the host was talking to me about how you know, in the beginning she really needed to do a little bit more of the parallel parenting style and then, over time and with a lot of work, they got to more collaborative co-parenting. But you hear that a lot. It takes a really long time and a lot of work and a lot of insight.

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

Let's dive into this. Okay, now there are different styles of co-parenting. We're going to start with that. A lot of times when we're talking about co-parenting and co-parenting well, we are referencing, as a community and as the people that are doing it, collaborative co-parenting. So collaborative co-parenting is what I call it. That is when there is a real basis of respect. There is a mutual understanding that we have our kids' best interests at heart. Always we are doing our absolute best for that. There tends to be almost like a friendship there and there's certainly a maturity between you and your co parent. It tends to be the style that works best, according to the research, for kids in the long term, right? So the kind of general rule of thumb is that more conflict equals more stress for children, equals poorer outcomes. And what do I mean by poorer outcomes? I don't want to talk like big doctor, speak for you. What I mean by that is kids tend to do not as well across their emotional health, across school, across medical outcomes, their own relationships. We know kids do better when their two parents have at least a semi-amicable relationship. You get along pretty well, okay. So that's what we mean by collaborative co-parenting.

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

On one side of that we have folks that do things like nesting. Nesting is like you're really good friends, you get along great, you could be roommates. You're pretty civil, you're not getting into spats about who's taking the trash out. Nesting is a very specific style of co-parenting and we'll do an episode on this as well. But it's where the family home remains the same and the kids stay there. They do not go back and forth between different houses and the parents quote unquote fly in and fly out of the family home like birds. Get it Nesting birds. The kids are the little baby birds. They stay in the nest and the parents fly in and out. Whether that means the person that's not in the home is at a friend's house or at an apartment, the person that's not in the home is at a friend's house or at an apartment. You're not living together, but you are living in the same space and taking turns there. So we will dive deep into nesting, because that's a very specific type of co-parenting.

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

And then the middle, we have sort of that collaborative co-parenting, and then on the other side we have what's called parallel parenting. So parallel parenting can look, you know, there's a lot of latitude within that label but basically what it means, we as professionals think of it as you are parenting on two separate train tracks or two separate roads, for example, perhaps an interstate, and you do not cross the barrier. The train cannot hop off a train track and move to the other side. Each of you have your own track, they do not cross and there is not a lot of communication between the two. So parallel parenting tends to be not very collaborative. There's not a lot of like hey look, I had this consequence at my house. It would be helpful if you continue that consequence there.

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

No, you're pretty much only in charge of your track, and many times because of that it means you don't get a lot of say in the other track or the other home, nor do they get say in your home, and so it can be both an offensive and a defensive strategy. I am not a sports girly, so I'm kind of proud of myself for using that metaphor, because it may be wrong I don't, I'm not a, I don't really but what it means is you're being proactive and reactive If you don't want somebody having a say in what happens in your home in your time and we'll get into the reasons for why that would be that's the proactive piece. It's also reactive in the way that you don't get to have a say then over there, right. So in order to protect your peace, you're not really crossing that track to be talking and integrating with what's happening over there. So very, very different styles.

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

Now, what's important that you know about this is that post-divorce, it's very common for families, as we're healing, as we're getting over heartbreak, as we're separating assets in homes and school decisions, to kind of start in more of a parallel parenting method, because there's so many emotions and tensions and emotions can still be running quite high. Actually, I take that back. What I see a lot is when the divorce or separation is initiated, people are saying things like we're gonna be the best co-parents together, we're always gonna put our kids first, and then something happens and people get angry and then we move towards more parallel parenting. So it's pretty common to be in that place and then over time, as trust gets built up and you settle into this is the rhythm with our kids and our life. Now, if it's possible, you may move more towards collaborative okay over time. So that makes a lot of sense to my brain and from what I've heard from hundreds of women is like that tends to be sort of the pattern. From hundreds of women is like that tends to be sort of the pattern.

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

Now, some folks do stay in a parallel parenting dynamic for a while. Why do we do that? A lot of times, if your co-parent is manipulative, toxic, difficult, narcissistic, has troubles with boundaries, then you may opt to use the more parallel parenting approach Because if you did not have children with this person, it is a person you would probably cut out of your life or not have a relationship with, and so, because you have to have a relationship with them because of your children, parallel parenting can give a good framework for how you can protect your own boundaries and peace. This is also the case if there's abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, anything like that, domestic violence then you want to be starting with parallel parenting and probably staying there. We talk a lot about difficult exes in the Kids First community. That is a huge part of why people find me In fact, I often joke that if you could collaboratively co-parent, you probably wouldn't need my support.

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

I tend to work more with folks that it's very difficult for, usually because one person makes it difficult, and so parallel parenting is the answer to those really, really difficult dynamics someone that does not hold boundaries, someone that consistently attacks, provokes, tries to coerce you words like gaslighting, gaslighting you, gaslighting your kids. Many of the moms that opt for this method will say things like I got out, I survived. I have trauma from this person, and that's what makes it so hard to co-parent with them. Why does this work? It works because it gives you those boundaries that you do have to interact with someone. Difficult and difficult. People need strong boundaries. It's just really hard when kids are involved. So let me give you an example about the different styles of co-parenting, and, of course, there's many more episodes that I'd love for you to dive into about parallel parenting and those sorts of things.

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

We get into the nitty gritty a lot in this podcast, but today we're just talking about what parallel parenting even is right. So what does this look like? All right, the example is I'm supposed to leave at four to pick up the kids and I cannot. So in this scenario, I'm a co-parenting mom. I'm supposed to leave at four, I can't leave at four. If I was in a collaborative co-parenting relationship, I could text or call my co-parent and say something like hey, I have a big meeting, I have a important project. I'm not going to be able to get out of the office at four today. Is there any way, since you're near the kids' school and you're working from home, you can get them, or I can do drop off a little bit late. I can't get there at five. I can get there by 5.15 or 5.30 at the latest.

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

More than happy to give you an extra half hour this weekend. You know it would really help me out, right? So not only do I explain what's happening with me quite a bit, I am asking very politely there's not an anger in my tone and this exception to our parenting plan, which is that the transition happens at five, is pretty clearly laid out, and I'm not afraid of repercussions for saying that. So that's kind of the first part that clues us in. They're in more of a collaborative dynamic, right? So whatever my co-parent says, they might say, like sure, that's great. Or, you know, drop them off at six, not a big deal. Or hey, why don't I just come to you? It'll make it a little bit easier. Thanks for letting me know. We'll work out the details later. Right, and you might still be doing this over an app or something like that. Be that it was more contentious before, now it's not.

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

If you were in a parallel parenting dynamic. One clue that you might need this is a fear response from you of even asking. So what might happen that signals that you might need a little bit stronger of a parallel parenting plan is if you send a message such as this you know again, same scenario I'm going to be a little bit late tonight. I'm so sorry. I'm not going to be able to make our five o'clock transition plan. Can we do 530?

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

Work issue came up. I can't get away on time. We're going to be a little bit late. Is 530? Okay If you get the type of response backed, such as I can't get away on time, we're going to be a little bit late, it's 530. Okay, if you get the type of response back such as I can't believe. You always do this. You put your job first all the time. You're such a crappy mom. Our kids really struggle with all this stuff when you do this craziness. So do you hear how? That tone is very accusatory. It starts to bring in the marital dynamics or the relationship dynamics. It isn't actually collaborative at all, it's accusatory. It has a tone to it that's pretty like guilty and blamey. Right, that's an indicator that perhaps we need some stronger boundaries around that specific issue. How do you do those stronger boundaries?

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

You look at something like parallel parenting. If I were parallel parenting in this scenario, what I would say or what I would coach my moms to say, might be something more like I am going to be at the later end of our transition window tonight. I have from 5 until 5.30. I will be there by 5.30. So you don't even bring in any personal information. You don't bring in any invitation to comment on it. You may or may not respond to the vitriol you get back right. So it's about a strategy from you as a person, parent. You're really focused on you yourself, your boundaries for you and your children, what you can control and what you can't control and you live by that parenting plan. That parenting plan is your, like I don't know a law. Everything comes back to the parenting plan because it protects you emotionally from this person that you know has a history of acting in a certain way.

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

What's challenging about parallel parenting is that it goes both ways. So if you don't want your co-parent commenting on what you're doing so not commenting on sugar or screens or pickup times or your work schedule or your parenting style then it also becomes something that you can't really comment on it over there either. Now, of course that doesn't go if there's safety issues or things that are in violation of your parenting plan, of course. But you don't get to really say things like hey, I'd really appreciate if she didn't watch TV at 730 at night. It's not your time, right, your house, your time, your rules, your expectations, their house, their rules, their expectations. And the train tracks do not cross, okay, we have a wonderful free guide that I will link in the show notes here about different co-parenting styles. It's a little quiz that you can take.

Dr. Karalynn Royster:

If you already know that you're in the parallel parenting camp, I encourage you to hop on in and participate in our very signature and popular free masterclass how to Handle a Difficult Ex. It has been watched hundreds of times at this point. People love it. It gives you a great tool to get started. And then, if you need even more support, I encourage you to check out our High Conflict Communication bootcamp. It is just $19 and it gives you a ton of tools to get started on this journey with a difficult ex. I thank you so much for being here. As always, I appreciate your reviews. Please leave us one. If you got something out of this episode, I would so appreciate you sharing it with a fellow co-parenting mom. Spread the word. Bring more mamas along on this journey. My friends, we all need to support one another. Thank you for being here. I'll see you in the next episode. If there's anything you'd like us to chat about, please send me a DM. I'm happy to read them and I always want to answer live questions from our community. Thanks so much.