Kids First Co-Parenting with Dr. Royster
The podcast for moms raising secure kids after divorce & separation, even when their ex makes everything harder.
Kids First Co-Parenting with Dr. Royster
The "Why Did You Stop Loving Dad?" Survival Guide
Episode Summary:
We explore how to handle tough questions from your children about separation, divorce, or your past relationship in ways that are honest, developmentally appropriate, and emotionally supportive.
Key Points
• Understand what's driving your child's question before answering
• Validate their question first with phrases
• Gently assess why they might be asking
• Keep responses child-focused
• Respond directly to the underlying concern (like fear of losing your love)
Kids First CoParenting System: If you are co-parenting with a narcissist, dealing with a manipulative ex, or feeling overwhelmed by high-conflict dynamics, you are not alone. These resources are designed to help you protect your child’s emotional health and take back control of your co-parenting experience.
Get More Support
- How to Co-Parent with a Difficult Ex Masterclass (Free & Instant Access)
- High Conflict 3 day Communication Bootcamp for Moms
Explore the Kids First Co-Parenting System to learn how to raise emotionally secure kids after divorce, even when your co-parent refuses to change. This is the support system every overwhelmed mom needs.
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Welcome to the Kids First Co-Parenting Podcast the podcast for smart, intentional, millennial moms raising resilient kids after separation and divorce. I'm Dr Carolyn Royster, a child psychologist coach and a mom. After thousands of therapy hours with kids caught in the middle of high conflict households, I'm here to help moms like you do it differently, from peaceful co-parenting to total chaos. I've got you here. We talk boundaries, regulation and how to raise a great kid, even if your ex is beyond difficult. We blend science with real life and, as always, keep the focus where it matters. I'm raising great kids. This is Kids First Co-Parenting. Hello and welcome.
Speaker 1:Today we are talking about what to do when your kid is asking you really difficult questions about your past relationship, whether that be the separation, a divorce, or just about their dad, right, or your co-parent. How do you handle these questions in a way that is honest but also is developmentally appropriate, and how do I provide that emotional safety and security that we're always talking about when I'm giving my kids answers to very difficult questions, right? Questions that are hard for you to answer, questions that are difficult for you know, an adult brain to understand, and so we're going to really get into the meat of this today. You're going to walk away with having some really concrete tools about how to respond to these difficult questions and then some follow-up items that you can work through if you need even more support. So questions such as you know, why did you guys break up? Did you have an affair, mommy? Such a great question. What's an affair? Can I call my dad's new girlfriend mom? Why not? Why don't I call her mom? Why isn't that person my actual biological brother or sister? What does that? These are really common questions that kids are going to have and they will come up. You will get asked why you are not together. What happened? There are a million books and resources out there. Of course, inside my course, we have a whole lesson on how do you tell your kids that you're going to get a separation or divorce, and the classic example is to say things like well, we decided that your mom and I can do this better from two separate houses when we're not together and we love you very much and that doesn't change and I love that. I think that's great advice. I give that advice. However, what we are talking about today on the podcast is what do you do when the questions get a little more deep, they get a little bit harder to answer. It's more like well, you know, if you were married and you committed to love each other forever, what changed right? So, depending on the age of your child, these questions could be quite different and quite difficult, quite honestly. And so that is the tools that I want to give you today, and so if you're listening to this, you may want to listen back as we talk through the strategies.
Speaker 1:As always, our podcast is meant to be pretty bite-sized. I always think about it like the walk that I do with my dog Finn. It's about a mile and a half. We do it in the evenings. I love it when my podcast episodes can kind of be around that loop, or on my drive to work. I get really into those long podcasts that are like two hours long, but they require a little bit more of a time. We want to give you quick and dirty tools that you can use, like right now, when your kid asks you something on the way home from school today, you're like, oh shit, I don't know what to do. You pop on this episode and revisit it anytime, and you should have some really concrete tools.
Speaker 1:Okay, so, as always, the moms that I work with and you wouldn't be listening to this unless you really did care a lot about what's going on for your child that they're asking this question, and that is tip number one, okay. So whenever I get asked a question that kind of throws me off, either by my own children or kids that I'm working with in the therapy practice, or clients of mine whose kids are asking them something and they're asking for my support, the first thing you always want to do is pause and think why are they asking me this to start with? In other words, what's driving this behavior? What's this about, right? So for us and for you as co-parenting moms, you want to be thinking is there some context here? Are you asking me about our divorce because your dad has just told you that he wants to propose to his girlfriend, or because you're not feeling very secure in my relationship with you? So you want to understand what's going on under the question.
Speaker 1:If a kid is asking a question such as if you fell out of love with dad, does that mean that you can fall out of love with other people? I would encourage you to consider is that child worried or wondering if you're going to fall out of love with them, and I've had kids tell me this. I've had kids say things like well, if they can fall out of love with them. And I've had kids tell me this. I've had kids say things like well, if they can fall out of love with each other, what's to stop them from falling out of love with me? Of course, that's just a knife through a mama's heart, isn't it? But that will help you know how to respond to the question.
Speaker 1:If you know, underneath that question of why did you fall out of love with dad is actually a wondering about if you're going to fall out of love with me as your child, then we respond differently. We may say something like there's nothing you could ever do that would make me not love you, and it's a little bit different when you think about marriages and relationships, and then maybe leave it there. Let's take that same question now why did you fall out of love with dad? And perhaps we're worried that your child is hearing something along the lines of your mom made this choice and she's the one that did this to you at his house, in which case that question has a little bit of a different meaning, doesn't it? That question then becomes I'm trying to sort out who's the good guy and who's the bad guy here, and I'm being told by someone which they shouldn't be, but perhaps they are that you're the bad guy In that situation.
Speaker 1:You answer the question differently, don't you? So you then might respond to something like this question did you fall out of love with dad? You might say something like love is a really complicated thing, and it's really easy to want to know who did something wrong to put our family in this really tough situation that we're in, and I just want you to know that that's a grown-up discussion and we can revisit that later. But no one was really to blame, or we decided together. You might hear differently, because sometimes, when people's feelings are hurt, they say things like that. Again, how you respond? That's your first tip. You want to be thinking about what's underneath. The second point so this leads us to our next tip is that you may not know the answer to that, and so it's important to have a set of tools that you can use and you can pull out when you're thinking gosh, I don't know why they're asking me this. This came out of the blue. It's kind of a crazy question.
Speaker 1:The first thing you always want to do. This is tip two is validate and assess. So you want to validate. Thanks for telling me that. Thank you for asking me that.
Speaker 1:I'm always interested to hear about your questions. I always wanna know what's on your mind. I really appreciate you telling me that, or something along the lines of it really makes sense that you would wonder about that. I totally get it. The very first thing is that you wanna be saying I get it. I appreciate you asking me because we always want to encourage them to be bringing their questions to you, bringing their wonderings to you, so that you can fill in the gaps with age-appropriate information, rather than finding out some crazy explanation from the kids at school or the internet or wherever kids get information these days when they don't know the answers. You want to praise that they brought this to you. That's a wonderful thing. Then you might do some gentle wondering or some curiosities around like huh, I wonder why you're asking me that. Or it seems like you might have that question because you overheard a conversation. Or I think you're wondering about this because we were at the park the other day and we saw that family together and they were acting a little bit different. Is that what's going on? Not interrogating, but my favorite phrase you'll hear me talk about it all the time is I'm wondering. I'm wondering if this is why you're asking that question, getting a little bit more information.
Speaker 1:And then, tip three I want you to always stay really, really child-focused when you're responding to your kids. We wanna Always stay really, really child focused when you're responding to your kids. We want to keep the focus on them and what they need in that moment. So if you've already done steps one and two, this is going to be real easy and it's going to flow out of those two steps really really well. Okay. So it's going to be pretty easy to keep the focus on them because you know the underpinning of why they're asking this question. You've already supported and validated and praised that. They brought it to you so you could answer it right.
Speaker 1:And then you're coming back and you're thinking to yourself how do I keep the focus on my kids? How do I keep my own heartbreak out of this? How do I keep my own anger at my co-parent for putting me in this position, perhaps, maybe, maybe not out of this conversation? Well, you do this, answer the questions that's asked of you and then you stop. Why did you fall out of love with dad? Well, perhaps we think that this child's feeling a little anxious and worried that there's something they can do that will make you not love them. So we're going to respond in that way. We say thanks so much for asking me that. That's a really interesting question.
Speaker 1:I always want you to bring your worries to me. I wonder if this has to do with you feeling like there might be something I could do that would make me not love you, and if that's the case, I need you to know that that's never true. I will always love you, no matter what you say or do. And then we stop because that's the answer to the question. Then maybe they say well, you know, it just seems like. It just seems like you're really mad at dad, and sometimes, if you get mad, I worry about this. Then you might be able to say again I'm so grateful you told me that that is a very normal worry. What can I do to help you with that worry that I won't love you? How can I support you?
Speaker 1:We do not go on to this whole big thing about how well your dad was actually a really difficult person to love and he made things very challenging and he had a really tough childhood and we each brought a lot of our own drama and baggage to it and relationships are really hard. You see how that's starting to spiral into your own stuff and how it's starting to move away from what your child might need in that moment. You want to keep it focused on that. Picture yourself as like you're walking along a road and your child is at the end of the road and every once in a while it would be really easy to veer over and like, pick a little wildflower and then come back on the road. I want you to kind of think like, okay, I stepped off the path, stepped off the road, I'm coming back to my focus. So even if you do veer a little bit, remember you can always come back To review. How do you handle answering these really hard questions from your kids? You number one you think about why are they asking me this, what's underneath this? Number two you validate and then you assess how to answer and respond from there. Number three stay child-focused. Keep it on your kids.
Speaker 1:If you need support with this, we have so many great free resources and low-cost resources inside the Kids First community. So we have the High Conflict Communication Bootcamp. This is a wonderful place to start. It's across three days you get a whole bunch of really, really tangible tools that can help you communicate with an ex. That is a little bit tricky. We also run free monthly masterclasses, including the most popular by far, which is how to Co-Parent with a Difficult Ex. You can watch that anytime, it is free, and then every month, varying monthly masterclasses.
Speaker 1:You can find us across all social medias, including Instagram and Facebook. Join our private community there. We are so happy to have you. If you enjoyed this episode, please do leave us a review. We certainly appreciate that. Share it with a friend and let us know. And finally, if you have a question that you'd like me to answer on the podcast, feel free to join our private community and let me know there, or shoot me a message or an email. I'd love to answer your questions on air. Thank you so much for your time. Keep doing the hard good work, mama, and I'll see you on the next one.