Kids First Co-Parenting with Dr. Royster

Navigating Two Stories: What to Tell Your Child When The Stories Clash

• Dr. Karalynn Royster • Season 1 • Episode 6

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Summary:

Dr. Karalynn Royster explores how to respond when your child returns from their co-parent's home repeating confusing or inaccurate information. This episode provides practical guidance on validating your child's experience while maintaining appropriate boundaries that protect them from adult conflicts.

Takeaways:

• Children asking difficult questions shows they trust you enough to bring challenging topics to you
• Your child is not trying to hurt you when repeating confusing information
• Focus on clarity rather than confrontation 
• Avoid phrases that create loyalty binds 
• Use the validation, boundaries, and redirection approach to respond effectively
• Document concerning patterns but address them separately from conversations with your child
• Remember that children need emotional safety more than they need complete information

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Kids First co-parenting podcast the podcast for smart, intentional, millennial moms raising resilient kids after separation and divorce.

Speaker 1:

I'm Dr Carolyn Royster, a child psychologist coach and a mom. After thousands of therapy hours with kids caught in the middle of high conflictconflict households, I'm here to help moms like you do it differently From peaceful co-parenting to total chaos. I've got you here. We talk boundaries, regulation and how to raise a great kid, even if your ex is beyond difficult. We blend science with real life and, as always, keep the focus where it matters on raising great kids. This is Kids First Co-Parenting. Welcome to this episode of the Kids First Co-Parenting podcast. I'm Dr Carolyn Royster and I am so happy that you are here Today. We're talking about what to say when your child is confused by two stories. So they're hearing one thing from you, they're hearing another thing from your co-parent, and what do you do about that? When your kid comes back and repeats something really confusing or just wrong that's not what happened that your ex told them. It can feel really sticky and it can be really hard to stay neutral and also be a challenging decision about whether or not you set the record straight. In this episode, you're going to learn exactly how to respond in a way that really focuses, like we always do, on putting your kids and their emotional well-being first and their mental health first, without escalating the conflict or putting your kids in the middle, which is something we're always really, really careful about in these difficult two-parent dynamics. So welcome, I'm so happy you're here.

Speaker 1:

Some of the examples that I hear a lot inside the Kids First community and from people just in my therapy practice and out in the world are things like you know, Daddy said you made us move, you're the reason we don't have enough money. You had an affair. What's an affair? What do you do with questions like that? What do you do with stories like that? What I want you to think about is a couple of things. So your child is confused. That's why they're bringing it to you, and some of the things that are important to really highlight here is that it is actually a really good thing that your kiddo is bringing this question to you. It means they trust you enough to ask a difficult question, and by that I mean they trust enough that you're going to not freak out, shame them, get mad at them, be really sad. So you've done a really good job by just laying the foundation for your child to come to you and ask a question like this. That's an important piece and I don't want you to lose sight of that, because it can sometimes feel like of course of course they would ask me that. Or like what I just asked if you wanted chicken nuggets. And now you're asking me about our finances or why we moved or why you moved.

Speaker 1:

Schools Can be really overwhelming. That's what I want you to kind of hang on to. Is that out of all of the people in their world likely your ex included they have elected to ask you this difficult question rather than someone else. So that still doesn't really help with how do you respond, and that's the piece that we're gonna talk about today. Are you supposed to correct them? Do you defend yourself? Do you stay quiet? You know we're not supposed to talk badly about them. What if my answering the question can only be done by saying something negative about my co-parent? And I'm not supposed to do that? And like then, what do I do?

Speaker 1:

Dr Royster, today's episode, we're going to talk a little bit about the mindset, the language to use and just kind of a framework in the way that you respond to these questions without putting your kids in the middle, all right. So number one main takeaway here is that your kiddo is not trying to hurt you. They're not trying to accuse you of anything. They not trying to hurt you. They're not trying to accuse you of anything. They inadvertently. Your ex may be accusing you of something, but they're not trying to hurt you. The child is not trying to hurt you. They don't know all the emotional baggage that comes with a question like I heard that you spend all our child support money on expensive purses for yourself instead of food for us, which is ridiculous. So you know it's not a personal attack on you. Your child does not think you are irresponsible with money. Your ex might think that, and thus that's where this question is kind of coming from.

Speaker 1:

But I need you to really focus and remember that your child is just trying to figure out what's happening in their world with their really important people, both you and your co-parent. They want to understand the dynamic and that is why they're asking the question. So you aren't necessarily trying to get them to pick a side to see your perspective. You're not really. You know. You're focused on clarity, not confrontation.

Speaker 1:

Then point number two I want you to think about how and in what ways you correct the story. At times correcting the story can really backfire. So if you're saying something like that's not true or your dad lied about that, that may be the case. That could very well be what is happening, and we don't want to say that necessarily because it can burden your kid. It can make them feel that they have to choose, that someone's telling the truth and someone's lying and they have to figure out who it is.

Speaker 1:

So it creates an inner loyalty conflict and we call that a bind in psychology. It's like where you can't win right. Or catch 22 is another phrase sometimes people use. They come to you and they say something like dad says you're really irresponsible with money and that you just waste child support payments. Let's say that's what's said. And you say your dad lies, he is lying to you, I'm very responsible with your money. Your child is not going to say, all right, mom. Well, now I feel an inner loyalty conflict because now I have to figure out who's telling the truth and who's not. And I know one of you is lying and inside I love both of you. But this feels like I have to pick a side. They're not going to say that it's just going to happen and it's going to play out in all these kind of tricky, insidious ways over time.

Speaker 1:

You have to be careful about the actual, outright correction of that is a lie. That is not true, right? That's very. You have to be very careful about your response, obviously. That's why you're listening, but you need to understand why, and this is the why. Now, what do you actually say? What is the step, what's the thing that you do? Well, I want you to focus on three things validation, boundaries and redirection. We talk a lot about this inside the High Conflict Communication Bootcamp. I gave you several skills about how to respond to the things that your kiddo says to you that you're like what the F? Is that Right? Or how on earth do I respond to this? So, again, we're doing like a very quick version of that.

Speaker 1:

Step one validating your child's experience. It sounds like you heard something that was confusing. That's a really great way to just be like okay, what I'm hearing is or wow, that's a lot for a kid your age to be thinking about. Wow, a lot of eight-year-olds aren't worried about money. It's interesting you're thinking about that. It's not a judgment, that's a validation. That's you saying okay, I'm hearing that your little brain is going on something and I'm grateful you brought it to me and I want to support you. Am I hearing you correctly? It's a really beautiful way to validate someone, adult or child.

Speaker 1:

Step two shift it towards what your child needs in that moment. What do they need? What I care most about is what you're feeling in the situation. That's what you're saying to your child. You are saying things like you can always ask me questions and I'll do my best to answer them authentically and help you feel safe and help you understand what is appropriate for you to understand. And the boundaries piece and the direction is how you protect them without over explaining. So things like that's a really grown up conversation. I will always do my best to make sure that we take care of you Right, or something very simply like sometimes two people see things really differently.

Speaker 1:

What matters most is that you know you're loved and cared for and that we both really love you. What we're doing there is we're saying I get it. This is really important. It's also very confusing and I have a boundary that I don't talk to my eight-year-old about our finances. It's not really your business. What you need to know is that money can be really complicated for grownups, but it's not your job to worry about the finances in either of our homes. That's a grownup job, right? So it's a way of validating and setting the boundary.

Speaker 1:

What not to say? The things I want you to avoid saying are things like that's not true, your dad is lying, he's just making shit up. Don't listen to him. You'll understand when you get older. I'll tell you when you're 18. That's a really classic one that I hear.

Speaker 1:

Or whenever the parenting plan says that you can now talk badly about each other. I don't. It doesn't really make sense to me, but there's a difference between saying and acknowledging, like you are a child and children don't need to worry about things like that, and I'll tell you when you're older. The reason that's so toxic is that you are saying essentially to your child there is a big thing here, there's a big like thing behind the Wizard of Oz curtain and I'm just not telling you that which creates a lot of distrust and undermines your co-parents' relationships with your child or children, which is not a great idea, right? We never want to be doing that. That's not helpful for anyone, just like you don't want them doing that to you. So let's avoid those sorts of phrases.

Speaker 1:

It can really spark a lot of shame and confusion. It escalates quickly when to intervene beyond the conversation. What are we doing behind the scenes? When do we intervene? When does it become something that you need to address? Well, this is a very hot topic and very confusing and complicated.

Speaker 1:

What you say to your child may be very different than what you say to your attorney, to your friends, to your co-parenting coach. What people are talking to me about inside Kids First is obviously different than what they're going to say to their kids at home. And sometimes the response you're going to give is appropriate and safe and holds your child's emotional security in mind. And on the back end and on the outside, or later that night, you're documenting this in a really intense way and you're thinking about how do I change our parenting plan or how do I respond to my co-parent to make sure that this doesn't continue. This is becoming a pattern. It's really toxic. It's really hurting our child.

Speaker 1:

These are harder level skills that you need more support with, you need to be able to talk through, but at minimum you need to be documenting and speaking with your attorney and or your co-parenting coach or inside of our community things like that where you can get the support about how to respond. But what is not okay is to say to your child something like tell your dad to stop talking to you about that, where that's inappropriate. He shouldn't be saying anything like that to you and you tell him next time that I'm going to, he's going to have consequences. I'm going to take him to court if he keeps this up. Obviously, none of you would do that. I hope you might be thinking that in your head, but you're not going to say that to your child.

Speaker 1:

Now, if you have more of a collaborative dynamic, it may be worthwhile to send your co-parent a message that says something like hey, you know, kiddo's been asking a lot of questions about finance. I know that you are not talking about this to them, or I know you're working really hard on not talking about it, but I just want you to be aware this is coming up. Here's what I said. If you want to use this response, you can. Or if it's more of a parallel parenting dynamic, you would probably document something like our kids have been coming back and saying things about our finances. I'd appreciate if we would keep that conversation away from them in accordance with our parenting plan, right? So there's a lot of ways you can handle it. You should be doing is documenting it yourself and then also documenting an effort, certainly in the early stages of co-parenting, to be resolving the conflict with your co-parent. If you're further into the parallel parenting or co-parenting world, you're just documenting it and then addressing it in a legal matter with your attorney or your parenting plan or with the judge when the time comes. It depends kind of where you're at. But if you're in a better spot, you're able to bring that to them and say like look, I know you're not meaning to do this or I know you actually don't feel this way, but this is what the kiddo is saying. Those are all responses that you could use. If it's parallel parenting, you're going to just be documenting a lot.

Speaker 1:

If you're feeling like you know that this is happening but you freeze up when your kiddo asks you a question like this, or you're really invested in like I need them to know my side of things, that's pretty common. I hear that a lot inside our high conflict communication bootcamp, which is just $19, I spent more on coffee this week than that. I give you the exact tools and scripts to use when they're kind of stuck between stories and a framework for how you can respond. You can really feel a little bit less lost. It's a starting place for you. That's the goal. If you need the link to that, it will be below in the show notes. You get all three lessons spread across three days automatically sent to you, but you can start it immediately.

Speaker 1:

So if, listening to this, you're like I need support on how to respond, that's very common, which is why we've created this quick and easy and very affordable way that you can get started with feeling like you really understand how to respond in this situation, because it can be quite tricky and nobody wants to make things worse for your kid above all, and we don't want to add to the conflict that's already present. Please remember, kids don't always need to know the whole truth. They need emotional safety from you. They need that soft place to land and that, just by way of them asking you these hard questions, you're doing something right.

Speaker 1:

So good job on that. You don't always have to defend yourself to be a good mom and you just have to lead with that steady, sturdy presence. I'm so happy you're here, as always. If you found something useful out of this episode, please share it. Leave us a review. If you have specific questions that you'd like me to answer on future episodes, share them with me. I'm so grateful you're here. I'll see you next time on the Kids First Co-Parenting Pod.